Covenant Marriage or Contract marriage? (and a sad, but true confession)

This week I want to write a few things I have learned about marriage over the years. Fortunately in my recent readings, I have come across some people who are much more articulate and have helped me to clarify and better define my thoughts.

Many years ago, when I was very young, exhausted and stressed as only a young mother can be while traveling in a broken old car with three tiny children… I hit an emotional crossroad. I yelled at my sweet, also exhausted and stressed young husband, blaming him for our circumstances. I cried, and we pulled over to talk it out in one of those highway rest areas. Immediately after my outburst I was remorseful, but I was also prideful, so I did not tell him how sorry I was for a few minutes.

Instead I listened, and I learned.

He said something I have never forgotten. He may have used slightly different words, but he essentially said, “I am in this marriage all the way, forever. I will wait for you, and love you, but you have to decide if you are ready to do this too.” Of course that gave me a better perspective, encouraging me through this trying day, and giving me hope that we could survive this trip with crying, carsick babies and diapers and rain and traffic. This was not a contract that I could rip up and walk away. This was a marriage! I apologized and we kissed and made up, and I fed the baby while he walked the toddlers around. Then we continued our trip.

But everything about my attitude was new. I had been looking at our relationship the wrong way. I felt that as the stay at home mom with three little ones I was doing most of the work… cooking, cleaning, feeding, shopping, washing, etc.; while he got to go to graduate school and talk to other adults. I felt like the majority of the work burden of this family was on me. (I told you I was young.) The thing is: marriage is not like a contract or a balance. There are often times when one or the other takes on a heavier burden of responsibility, at work, or in a family situation or serving in the church or the community. Marriage is a covenant relationship, where each partner makes promises to the other and to God to be there for each other through whatever storms may come.

Bruce C. Hafen and his wife, Marie, coauthored a book called The Belonging Heart. This quote is from that book. “Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep” (John 10:11-15). Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee.” They teach about three wolves that typically attack marriages. The first wolf is natural adversity. This is my example – exhaustion, poverty, stress. “Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them”; this is where impatience, criticism, selfishness, and defensiveness must be battled, (perhaps I need to take partial ownership of this wolf too). The third wolf discussed by the Hafens is “the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes”. When the world tells people to ‘be yourself’, ‘find yourself’, ‘be free’; is that undermining the sense of family and belonging, trust and fidelity?

Do I feel like the shepherd? Am I willing to lay down my life for my husband or my children? I am. My love and commitment is not a temporary convenience or a result of a contract. It is an abiding devotion to God and my family. I am so grateful for my husband who patiently taught me this lesson so long ago, and many times since.