An allegory was given in our reading for this week of a man who wanted a new house. Having two friends in the manufactured home business, he asked each of them to send him half a house. He gave no plans or specifications, or even style suggestions. When the two halves arrived at the construction site, nothing lined up- utilities, rooms, roof lines, etc. This is an analogy for marriage, because two people come together with different backgrounds, traditions, expectations, and life experiences and they just don’t fall into automatic alignment. Each has to do a little remodeling, adapting and changing to fit together and form a whole little family unit. Maybe one is more punctual or one is a better housekeeper, one is better with a budget or one is able to fix anything. But both partners are going to need to make adjustments to find a comfortable way to get along and build an ideal “home”. It will take work and compromise, patience and some discomfort (Goddard, H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007)
The author also emphasizes the importance of faith in God’s plan for your marriage. Continuing and expanding the analogy, he quotes C.S. Lewis “imagine yourself as a house” that God comes to remodel. At first you are happy, because you know where the pipes need fixing and the roof leaks. But later the changes become bigger and less fun or comfortable. The thing is, “You thought you were going to be made into and decent little cottage, but He is building a palace!”
I love this analogy, because I often get into a little comfort zone, and then something comes along that throws me for a loop, and I realize I am getting a spiritual makeover, or getting some emotional stretching. When it comes to marriage, I need to be sure to keep the connections strong, build emotional history, share plans for the future, dreams and hopes. This is how we stay on the same design pattern and build a marriage that is like a castle.
How do you strengthen your relationships? What stabilizes your foundation? Helps you to soar to new heights? How do you get to know and appreciate the differences in your approaches? Please comment if you have ideas to add!
Here are some questions to ask yourself and your partner that might help you get to know your partner better:
• What is my fondest unrealized dream?
• What is one of my greatest fears?
• What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking?
• What is my favorite meal?
• What is my favorite color?
• What was one of your favorite childhood experiences?
• What is your favorite sport and why?
• What soothes you best?
• What is your favorite way to exercise?
• What is most worrying to you?
(These are from Dr.John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” p 53.)
The notion of constantly learning about one another and strengthening the marriage relationship, also leads to the idea of weekly dates! My favorite homework ever! Weekly dates with my sweetheart for the next five weeks! Last night we saw a movie and then ate dinner and talked about the movie, our dreams for the future when we were children, and our childhood friends. (Can you guess which movie we saw?) What are you going to do to build your relationships?
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